Looking At White Women: The Search For Vocabulary

These are observations made from Nepal to Kentucky to Indiana to New York City and a few places in between. I hope it feels more on the light side.

First the obvious stuff. I believe in love. I am happy for everyone who can find love. Love is hard to find. Communication is hard enough when people are actually talking. People can go through large tracts of life without feeling the love. Some people go through an entire life without feeling it.

Why two people hook up, only they know. They don't have to explain it to any third person. A relationship is a private thing at the core of it.

But relationships are not islands, and if they are, they float in the social seas.

There is the personal perspective: individuals unique as snowflakes create relationships unique as snowflakes. There is the social perspective: you might still pick the person but society decides who is in the room.

There are short term relationships, there are long term ones, and there are those that last forever.

But here I am going to talk about the cross-cultural, inter-racial stuff. This is really interesting to me because more than 99% of the Nepalis in America are not my ethnicity, and more than 99% of the Indians are not my ethnicity. And there are so very few Nepalis and Indians as it is. And I have a sharply defined individualism, I am big on personal space, and so, all else equal, I think I'd rather go mix. In my world, you start with the person.

But if 99% of the people stick to their own kind, it must be that they make the big decision before they make the small decision. The big decision is to make sure the other person is the same particular cultural, religious, ethnic, racial background as you. And then you make the small decision of looking for shared interests, shared passions. That is my social observation.

My big thing to look for is political consciousness level. The average white person is racist. The average brown person is its mirror image: an internalized racist. In my personal space, I can only entertain the post-ISMs individual types.

But while you go out and about, you meet characters. A lot of them look like white male matter, but not always.

Border Patrol

This is when you might just be looking. Say you just started a conversation with a white woman. The border patrol guy feels a strong urge to verbally slap one or the other or both.


When you mistake a Ms. 99% for a Ms 1% and hit on her, she knows exactly how to get that intense sense of white belonging. All she has to do is beckon the bodyguard. He will reprimand you.

The Matchmaker

The matchmaker is not really a matchmaker, but rather a bodyguard or border patrol guy, but his ways are different, rather the opposite. Instead of suggesting don't be looking at the white woman, the matchmaker will invade your space and try to hook you up, or invade space to try and "enhance" the relationship. What he is really doing is he is messing things up. The end result is the same as when the border patrol guy might go to work. The matchmaker's goal also is to prevent.

The Why Not Me Guy

You start talking to a white woman, and especially if the why not me guy knows the white woman, the why not me guy will step in. I thought you were taking time off, but if you are looking for a man, I am a man too, why not look at me instead? Why are you talking to this guy? The implication is why look at a nonwhite guy when a white guy is around. The why not me guy is really a border patrol guy, because obviously if the white woman had been into him, she would have talked to him first.

The Why Not Me Gal

Oh, so you are into white women? I am a white woman too. That is the thinking. And some totally random, perhaps unattractive white woman will start hitting on you for no reason other than that she saw you talk to another white woman who perhaps you were interested in.

The why not me gal is the female version of the why not me guy who thinks as long as there are white men available, why is the white woman looking elsewhere?

The Priest

That is usually some white guy with some authority, some social standing, some prestige, some popularity, he is usually older, so he is not exactly romantic competition and is not trying to be, but if the white woman be weak enough, she will fall for him, as in she will fall for the fear, confusion and doubt that he will sow in her mind. She will step back.


These are the roomful of Mr. and Ms. 99%s. To them the Mr. and Ms. 1% are people from another planet. They are people who have crossed the line.

The pedestrians treat their value system like they treat gravity: it is just there, everyone knows it. If they were strong, they would be more open-minded, so they don't bother the Mr. and Ms. 1%s with backbone, but subject the lesser souls to occasional social indignity.

Ms. Quantum Particle

The Ms. 99% value system goes one way, the Ms. 1% value system goes a different way. It is hard for water to become steam: energy is required. So when the energy level goes down, the steam falls back into the pot as water. It is not unusual for someone to act like Ms. 1% some of the time, and Ms. 99% the rest of the time. It is not possible for Ms. 99% to have ever liked you, but Ms. 1% might have taken a look. The pedestrians shower enormous love on the Ms. 1%s who might finally have found her way and come back into the pot. She is like, wow, this is the love I was missing.

Mr. Right, Ms. Right

More and more people are going inter-racial, cross-cultural. That is the growing trend. Once the right person is found, many of these issues go away in that both recognize it as just another relationship challenge.

Maybe you just not have found the right person yet, it is not about race.

The right person will try and fathom the challenges that come not just with your individual identity but also your collective identity.

How To Handle

Define and claim your space. Communicate well with the person of interest. Once in a while it is okay to issue a verbal slap back of your own. You will be amazed by how well it works.


Realize that it is not all about race. If someone rejects you for your race, they just made your task easy. That is NOT the right person for you. Next. But if you have found the right person from a different background, talk about race like you will talk about other relationship issues like contraception perhaps. Communication is the lifeblood.

In The News

GOP Leaders Warn Of Election Disaster CBS News
Newt Gingrich sees the GOP facing deep political peril Los Angeles Times what happened in Louisiana last Saturday. ..... in a special election, a Democrat captured a House seat that had been in the Republican column for more than 30 years ...... unless his party heeds his call, it is "going to suffer decisive losses this November." ........ This defeat follows on the loss of Speaker Hastert's seat in Illinois. That seat had been held by a Republican for 76 years with the single exception of the 1974 Watergate election when the Democrats held it for one term. That same seat had been carried by President Bush 55-44% in 2004. ....... has been below 40% job approval since December 2006, the longest such period for any president in the history of polling ........ a full 81 percent of Americans believe the economy is on the wrong track. ......... a sign of how much McCain is a non-traditional Republican that he is sustaining his personal popularity despite his party's collapse. ......... Americans now believe that Democrats can handle the deficit better (52 to 31), taxes better (48 to 40) and even terrorism better (44 to 37). ........ This is a catastrophic collapse of trust in Republicans built up over three generations on the deficit, two generations on taxes, and two generations on national security. ....... If we implemented a space-based GPS-style air traffic system we would get 40% more air travel with one-half the bureaucrats. The union has stopped 200,000,000 passengers from enjoying more reliable air travel to protect 7,000 obsolete jobs.
Most Labour supporters want Brown to quit: poll AFP
China-India Rivalry Possible in African Telecom Deal New York Times
Google in driver's seat after Microsoft-Yahoo bust
Gates says Microsoft to pursue 'independent strategy' Financial Post
WiMax: The dream Internet is coming
Chicago Tribune
‘I’m not being paid to blog’: Bachchan
Mid-Day Mumbai the self-confessed not-net-savvy Big B has been pouring out his thoughts daily on bigadda.com
Big B's website to be ready soon Press Trust of India Amitabh Bachchan, who has taken to blogging in a big way
Thurman’s Pursuer Is Found Guilty New York Times
Jury in New York City convicts fan of stalking Uma Thurman The Associated Press

McGovern, former Clinton backer, endorses Obama Washington Post
Pundits Declare the Race Over New York Times
Nepal's king to keep royal rights at Indian Hindu temple The Associated Press
India Test-Fires Nuclear-Capable, Surface-to-Surface Missile Bloomberg
Russia's Medvedev takes power, pledges freedom
Aid arriving in cyclone-hit Burma
BBC News
Burmese prisoners 'executed after cyclone hit' Telegraph.co.uk
Burma death toll 'likely to hit 80000' ABC Online
Time for Clinton To Quit?
Washington Post
Clinton's dream all but over Sydney Morning Herald
Obama, Clinton each get a win, but his delegate lead widens Christian Science Monitor
Obama Campaign Cites Delegate Math; Touts "Clear Path" To Nomination AHN
Republicans Give Mixed Reasons for Obama Votes
Washington Post
Exclusive: Hillary will make Indo-US ties stronger Rediff
Clinton sets new finish line for Democratic nomination AFP Clinton insisted that the Michigan and Florida presidential primaries, which were voided over an internal party row, must be reinstated ..... "It's 2209," she said

Obama in striking distance of nomination as Clinton loans herself ... Hindu, India a decisive win in North Carolina and a near miss in Indiana ..... prolonged contest appeared to be nearing its climax, with Obama, a 46-year-old first-term senator, now less than 200 delegates short ...... West Virginia next week, followed by Kentucky and Oregon. ..... she had again loaned herself money, this time $6.4 million (euro4.12 million) in the past month. ..... Clinton had loaned herself $5 million in January. ...... it was time for the 270 remaining unaligned superdelegates _ party officials who are free to vote as they chose _ to take sides and settle the race. ........ Obama winning 56 percent of the vote to Clinton's 42 percent ...... In Indiana, she eked out a win with a margin of 51 percent to 49 percent ..... his delegate total reached 1,840.5 .... only 217 delegates at stake in the remaining contests ...... The protracted and often bitter nature of the race has hardened divisions in the party, according to exit polls from the two states. A solid majority of each candidate's supporters said they would not be satisfied if the other candidate wins the nomination. ....... Fully one-third of Clinton's supporters in Indiana and North Carolina went beyond mere dissatisfaction to say they would vote for McCain instead of Obama if that is the choice in the fall. ....... In both states, Clinton won six in 10 white votes while Obama got nine in 10 black votes ..... West Virginia, with 28 delegates on May 13; Oregon with 52 and Kentucky with 51 a week later; Puerto Rico with 55 delegates on June 1, and Montana with 16 and South Dakota with 15 on June 3.
Obama wins most delegates in Tuesday's primaries The Associated Press just 184.5 delegates shy ...... Obama has a 167-delegate lead among pledged delegates. ..... Clinton leads in superdelegate endorsements, 270.5 to 256, though Obama has been chipping away